Report: Easiest Path To U.S. Visa Still Signing with Dallas Mavericks

DALLAS—Claiming the top spot for immigrant-hopefuls for an eighth consecutive year, Amnesty International released a report Wednesday which found that the easiest path to a U.S. work visa was still signing with the Dallas Mavericks. “Our findings show that the Dallas Mavericks account for 91% of Eastern European… Read more…

Woman’s Anecdote About Boyfriend Getting Annoyed Undercut By Widespread Knowledge Of His Anger Issues

DAYTON, OH—Appearing oblivious to the fact that her friends were shifting uncomfortably in their seats as she spoke, local woman Annie McClellan shared an anecdote about her boyfriend getting annoyed that was undercut by widespread knowledge of the man’s anger issues, sources confirmed Tuesday. “You should have seen… Read more…

Theater Company’s Fundraising Email More Tragic Than Any Play It’s Ever Produced

NEW YORK—Managing to evoke unparalleled feelings of pity and fear in its audience, a fundraising email sent Wednesday from local theater company The Calliope Players was reportedly far more tragic than any of the plays it had ever produced. “It’s been a very challenging year, but we believe in our mission of hybrid… Read more…

Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community

NEW YORK—Expressing discontentment at the total takeover of the month-long celebration, local man Drew Barrington was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that Pride had been completely co-opted by the LGBTQ community. “I’m just trying to have a nice time with my family, watch some special streaming categories, maybe enjoy a… Read more…

Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes

SAVANNAH, GA—Completely oblivious of the implications of her body’s positioning, Rebecca Branagan, 30, reportedly began a lifetime of chronic knee pain by sitting awkwardly for two minutes Tuesday. According to sources, Branagan’s slight five millimeter shift of bodyweight while her knee was folded oddly underneath… Read more…