Texas Doctors Required To Inform Women Seeking Abortion That Fetus Already Cowboys Fan

AUSTIN, TX—Declaring it a vital new measure to protect unborn life, Texas governor Greg Abbott signed a law Friday requiring doctors to inform any woman seeking an abortion that her fetus was already a Dallas Cowboys fan. “We just want all women to understand the gravity of the decision to terminate a pregnancy, and… ReadContinue reading “Texas Doctors Required To Inform Women Seeking Abortion That Fetus Already Cowboys Fan”

Friends Agree To Take Away Drunk Man’s Car Keys, Jangle Them Just Out Of His Reach

BOSTON—In a decision deemed the ideal course of action given his inebriated state, sources at Garfinkel’s bar confirmed Friday that the friends of local drunk man Brian Wendell agreed it would be best if they took away his car keys and jangled them just out of his reach. “Brian is pretty fucked up right now,Continue reading “Friends Agree To Take Away Drunk Man’s Car Keys, Jangle Them Just Out Of His Reach”

Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA—Holding the icy brown mass aloft in a vain attempt to inspect it, local man Ralph Freeman confirmed Thursday that he found an unidentifiable beige food item that he froze, like, six months ago. “I think it might be some kind of gravy or something,” said Freeman, who speculated that the color and…Continue reading “Man Finds Unidentifiable Beige Thing He Froze 6 Months Ago”

Satan Announces Masks Will Still Be Required In Hell

HELL—With the lifting of CDC guidance regarding masks for vaccinated persons, Satan has released a statement assuring the damned that masks will still be required in all levels of hell. In addition to masks, everyone will be forced to wear glasses that fog up instantly and you can never, ever clean them. Masks will onlyContinue reading “Satan Announces Masks Will Still Be Required In Hell”