As of June 1, 2022, all Dickheads safety programs will be discontinued.
Recent studies have shown that fatal accidents cost the company less than those where employees are injured and must undergo lengthy rehabilitation.
All employees will be required to deposit their safety glasses in new plastic-recycling bins placed strategically around the plant. It is asked that all those involved in accidents show consideration for others and ensure that their accidents are fatal.
Recent testing has shown that the chili from the cafeteria must be classified as a hazardous substance. In the future, all chili cups will have a substance tracking label and barcode. Employees removing chili from the cafeteria should wand the barcode at the machines which will be placed outside the doors on those days that chili is offered. Once the chili is consumed, the container and remains of the chili should be brought to the nearest hazardous waste transfer area, wanded, and put in the yellow container with the red skull on it. Those personnel who choose to eat the chili are asked to submit stool and blood samples for analysis and proper disposal.