Knee To Hurt For Rest Of Life After 30-Year-Old Woman Sits Awkwardly For 2 Minutes

SAVANNAH, GA—Completely oblivious of the implications of her body’s positioning, Rebecca Branagan, 30, reportedly began a lifetime of chronic knee pain by sitting awkwardly for two minutes Tuesday. According to sources, Branagan’s slight five millimeter shift of bodyweight while her knee was folded oddly underneath… Read more…

Man Hates How Pride Month Has Been Totally Co-Opted By LGBTQ Community

NEW YORK—Expressing discontentment at the total takeover of the month-long celebration, local man Drew Barrington was reportedly frustrated Tuesday that Pride had been completely co-opted by the LGBTQ community. “I’m just trying to have a nice time with my family, watch some special streaming categories, maybe enjoy a… Read more…

Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street

BROOKLYN, NY—Expressing frustration that she had to reroute her walk, local woman Shelly Jenkins confided to reporters Monday that she was unnerved by a group of guys standing around the entrance of her new condo when she was just trying to gentrify the street. “All I want to do is go about my day andContinue reading “Woman Unnerved By Group Of Guys Standing Around When She’s Just Trying To Gentrify The Street”

American Public Commended For Lasting 8 Rounds With Logan Paul

MIAMI—With leading commentators agreeing their grit and tenacity was on full display during the match-up, the American people were widely praised for lasting eight rounds against Logan Paul in an exhibition match Sunday night. “Look, regardless of the outcome, you have to hand it to the nation for going the distance… Read more…

Biden Offers Infrastructure Concession By Partially Demolishing Brooklyn Bridge

WASHINGTON—In the latest overture to secure a deal with congressional Republicans, President Joe Biden made a significant concession in ongoing infrastructure negotiations Monday by partially demolishing the Brooklyn Bridge. “Look, if we’re ever going to move past the contentiousness of the past four years, we need to… Read more…

Spencer Rattler Takes Pay Cut To Help Sooners Recruit Better Players

NORMAN, OK—Hoping to make a personal sacrifice to aid Oklahoma’s run at the National Championship, star quarterback Spencer Rattler announced plans Monday to take a pay cut to help the Sooners recruit better players. “I’m happy to reconstruct my weekly cash handoffs if that’s what it takes for us to land top… Read more…

Stephen A. Smith Blasts Anthony Davis For Refusing To Play Through Groin Surgery

NEW YORK—Insisting the star forward’s absence was the biggest factor in the Lakers’ first-round elimination, Stephen A. Smith blasted Anthony Davis on First Take Monday for refusing to play through a groin surgery. “Now, I love AD, but I have to question the brother’s toughness if he can’t gut it out through a little… ReadContinue reading “Stephen A. Smith Blasts Anthony Davis For Refusing To Play Through Groin Surgery”